Monday, December 28, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
I feel a little sad about it. We found someone willing to adopt her. I hope that she does alright. I have never given a pet away that I have kept for a while. We had Lola for over 2 1/2 years. I was at my wits end with the damage both cats were doing to my house. She didn't like the $300 litter box I bought so I had 2 litter boxes for a year and it was a mess! It will be nice to be able to have people over with out having to check and make sure her ass didn't piss on the floor next to the litter box. She was the nasty.
But she was sweet too. She would come when you called. She would touch me on my leg while I was doing homework and check on me. She was sweet in her own way. I will miss how she would carry her toy monkey around like it was a baby and sleep next to it.
I miss her..she was my baby girl and I couldn't handle her..
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Im a crazy cow.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
I need to stop being negative. I have only been on a diet for for a week and have lost 9 pounds that is pretty good. And I am thankful. Now my next mini goal will be 5 more pounds. Let's get it! I want to hit that before Thanksgiving!
Sunday, November 15, 2009
I went to see Precious and my remarks on that deserve a whole blog not just a blurb. On the whole I think I am in good spirits considering that my ass be day dreaming about cakes and cookies. Ain't that just so fat shit??? I don't give a damn its true. If I lose 30lbs. there will be no living with me, do you hear me?!?! I am going to work it do you hear me. I am already improving upon my make skills..so yeah.. be prepared.
Sorry this blog is all over the place but fuck that life and the way my mind works.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
So back to this story:
The scene..the Navy...
Every enlisted sailor has to do 90 days working in the kitchen. We called it cranking and yes it sucks. You smell like wet potatoes everyday. I don't know why they make everyone crank. Maybe they do it to remind you that you have no control over your life. Anyways, I worked in the deep sink which is where you wash the big ass pots the cooks use. I didn't mind being back there because I didn't want anyone to see me walking around in that funk ass mustard yellow shirt. Or funking up the atmosphere smelling like spoiled vegetables. So I chose to be in the back and besides people don't tend to bother the pot washers it was too hot back and unpleasant and I just wanted to do my time in piece.
So there was this white girl that was back there with me. She worked in Port Services and I thought the bitch was weird. She never talked and she just seemed off to me. But I just ignored her and washed the pots. So one day we were in the deep sink alone, the other folks were probably skating off something and that day we were busy. Now anyone that has every washed pots or dishes know that you sometimes get little pieces of food stuck to the pot or plate while washing and water splashes around. We were washing pots that was damn near as long as my torso so its expected they did not fit perfectly into the deep sink. So this one day crazy bitch decided to speak she was like, "Don't splash me with water".
At first I was like, "what the hell bitch". I was not deliberately splashing water on this bitch so I was was like this bitch is tripping. I told her, "I am not intentionally spraying you with water". As far as I was concern the matter was closed. So anyway I got this big pot and their was a cucumber stuck to it and I picked it off the pot and threw it on the back splash. Crazy bitch lost her mind at that point and reached into the hot, dirty dishwater and splashed that shit in my face it was on some Dynasty level. I mean who in the hell splashes water in someone's face! I SNAPPED. I couldn't believe this bitch had the audacity to throw water in my face. Why I went IKE TURNER on that ass and socked the shit out of her. Her hat flew off her head. And then I yelled at her to pick it up and then continued to cuss her out. I was yelling so loud at this bitch the whole kitchen got quiet. I cursed her out like a pimp looking for his money!
I was about to sock that bitch again and you know what stopped me. The fear in her eyes. Other than that I would have continued to wipe the floor with her ass. All the men in the kitchen had a look on their faces that in hindsight now is comical but at the time I was like mind ya business! They looked like the South Park cartoons just big blinking eyes. She had blood coming out of her ear. I just knew then that bitch was gonna tell on me! I could have gotten in SERIOUS trouble had she told on me but she never did. The ho never came back into that deep sink again. I remember the other guy that worked back there with me was like "what did you do to that girl?" I was like nothing. I learned then that if you gonna attack someone, you have to be fully prepared to back it up. You end up looking like a fool! Like my friend Mike said, "the person who initiates the slap usually gags last" Amen brother Mike Amen.
None of my jeans are shirts fit right. My body has morphed from Beyonce to Tocarra! I can't stand it. Oh and Tocarra with no titties at that. I have big arms now! I never had big arms before. But anyway I am going to stop bitching about it and do it. Its tiring when people complain about shit and don't do nothing about it. Wishing this weight off is not gonna make it so.
Not having sugar is going to kill me ya'll just don't know I have been on some fat shit! Have Starbucks and cake Mon-Thur at school rather than eating some damn food. I am a mess!
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
I had a dream that he kept throwing a glass and hitting my car and I was yelling at him. As I kept walking closer to him I noticed he had this happy look on his face. I could tell by his eyes he was pissed but his demeanor was nonchalant like he wasn't throwing shit at my car. I began to get afraid as I was confused by his actions like why is he attacking my shit with a smile on his face. I could see the class he was throwing was one of mine and it had a kool aid stain at the bottom so then I remembered that I had previously thrown that glass at him and he was now throwing it back at me when I least expected it and then I really got pissed and started cursing him out.I knew I could'nt physically fight him because he was stronger than me and more fit. I woke myself up from that shit.
Isn't that a crazy dream?? I felt dream raped or something.
Monday, September 21, 2009
I found out that one of my ex's is getting married and knocked a woman up. They haven't even been dating that long!! It is just weird to see boyfriends from my youth from where I am now in life. I still see them as weak ass fuck ups and they probably still see me as 'the crazy bitch'.
I never thought I would find a husband who is as sweet and caring as he is. I love my husband to death. Nothing makes me feel better than crawling into bed with him. He tries so hard and I am so STIFF BITCH. He is my best friend and trust it isn't lovely all the time but there is no one else I would rather be with. Even though when I married him I got fat. It is harder than a mug to get these 15lbs off-- let me stop 20lbs off. I lose 10 and then bam! Its on me again. Lord why do I love food so much and exercise so little.
I have a friend going through a break up and I am sorry I feel no sympathy for her. I don't have the patience to hand hold a grown ass woman anymore. You break up you move on. Maybe I am more hard core because I have always been in survivor mode. One monkey don't stop no show! You have to keep at it. I would be crushed if my marriage ended but I would not waste energy in trying to sabotage his life. When you break up with someone you should exit stage right with as much dignity as possible. Being a common bitch about something you have no control over is a waste! He don't want you let him go. I really don't even want to fool with her anymore. We are on different levels.
I guess that is enough babbling for now. I wonder does anybody even read this shit!
Monday, September 7, 2009
Also Courtney Love is fucking INSANE. I must be a sadist because she clogs up my feed on Twitter with rambling incomprehensible bullshit yet I won't unfollow her. I am intrigued by the crazy. She rambles about how people have stolen money and clothes from her. That people are using her husband's social security number all kinds of drama and none of it makes sense. Someone actually made a twitter account to translate her shit.
Maybe I will get tired of it soon but for now it is amusing me for a little bit.
Also my other mindless escape is Sorority Life some women take it very serious. Here is another interesting article someone posted about Facebook...fairly true..
If I am honest with myself I should notice that this blog is some random bullshit in itself.
Friday, August 28, 2009
The more education I have the more resentful I become of men.
I didn't raise alot of money for my friend but its the thought that counts right? She has $275 she didn't have.
I think I piss my husband off with my lack of affection and romantic overtures.
Watching Tropic Thunder for the umptenth time..I am no longer laughing.
I miss Michael Jackson.
I miss nasty Prince.
Inglorious Basterds was alright I couldn't get past the plot being totally full of shit though.
I never feel content.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
I am intrigued by my philosophy of race class it looks like it will be very enlightening. It is funny in my military history class I am the ONLY black female. In my African American history class there are NO white people just 1 latina that class is heavy with the negroes. The class is also taught by a latino. As black people we really aren't taught our history but I can recite white folks history all up and down.. Don't even get me started how women are virtually ignored in history everything is about THE MAN. No wonder no one likes your funky ass.
(I did not proofread I am about to eat)
Saturday, August 22, 2009
So I introduce to you Miss Marlena Shaw
Friday, August 21, 2009
To a cancer our home is our castle, it is our sanctuary of peace. To lose our piece of peace is just devastating. I am a full time student I don't have much money. What makes us make it is my husband working if he got sick or lost his job we would be in her position. I can't give her a large amount of money to help her out but what I can do is fund raise for her and that is what I am doing. She doesn't know by the way I am doing this for her. If she knew it she would stop me. I am sorry a closed mouth don't get fed. Your sorry ass husband can't get it together I will help you. Some people fall apart when adversity comes their way, I like to think that is when I am at my toughest. I think what really got me was her feeling of hopelessness and feeling alone that no one can help her. That breaks my heart, that is what slips you into a darkness you can't get out of. My idea to raise money has been baking cakes and charging $25 a cake and I am also taking donations of any amount. I will take a dime its a dime she doesn't have. Since Tuesday I have received $65 so far. I am expecting more donations next week. Pay day is coming!! I make a delicious chocolate cake and I am working on perfecting this honey bun cake..I have some ideas. I would almost make any kind of cake if it is within my skill set.
Besides who doesn't like cake?? If you don't you dark sided. I loved to baked but didn't for a while because I was single and a single woman don't need a whole cake in their house. I like to bake for people and give it away. I hope the money I raise will at least help a little bit. My husband and I gave her $125 which isn't much but shit its something. I have never fund raised before so I am doing this all off cuff. It does touch me though that people are helping me with this project. I know good and well that no one has to do shit for you in this life. We can be coldblooded beings consumed with our own personal dramas and we don't notice that the person next to us is drowning. Then once you gone its all these revelations. Fuck that help people when they are around and can appreciate your helping hand.
Friday, August 14, 2009
I immediately giggle. It is so over the top. You can't help but want to get a church fan and step it out IN THE NAME OF JESUS! IT'S OVAAAAAAAAAAAA. Is so very blackbaptistchurch-ish. So when folks are giving you fever, sweating you, or when a bill collector calls your house just start blasting this and all will be forgiving for about 5 minutes at least.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Most of their complaints are dense. "We don't want the government deciding what kind of health care we need!!!" You dumb ignorant bitch. Private insurance companies already do that. Where the fuck have you been? Have you ever been sick? They decide what they want to pay for. They decide who gets coverage.They have caps. When I left my job I was given a letter that I was told I must keep that says I had no pre-exisiting conditions, so that when I go to a new job I will be able to give covered. If I lose that shit, I am going to be in trouble. Obama's administration is not trying to socialize medicine what they are trying to do is make it better but the crazy ass, no reading, militant ass, crazy white boys and their breeders are trying to sabotage it by spreading lies. They are just coming off as rabid dogs. A true definition of a 'hater'.
Regulation is the only way to get these changes like it or not. Free market principles can not work for everything. It is not a fix it all. Capitalism is not a catch all. I would like to see regulation that prevents private insurance from dropping coverage for sick people or people with pre-existing health issues. I would like to see affordable insurance offered to people who work part-time and their job does not offer, insurance for those who lose or quit their job. When you lose your job and all you have is 2 weeks pay coming at you. COBRA is too damn high! IF we could get 2 of those things it would be a vast improvement. Also, the Obama plan wants to give insurance companies 5 years to comply. That shit need to be cut down to 3.
Anyway, I just felt I had to speak on that. I am always willing to listen to rational people discuss issues but once you get emotional about it and don't stick to the facts or offer a solution to fix it. I can't give you any ear time. Sorry.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
The SBA website has a lot of good information to shift through. The shit is so dry though. I want to try and get a part time gig at a lounge so I can know the business better. I believe the 28-40 yo old night life market is virtually ignored for adults. Grown people like to go out too we just don't because we don't want to kick it with a bunch of 18 year olds listening to shitty music. Alot of spots here are all over the place with promotions..black night, latin night, gay night etc etc to me its all exclusive like if you are not black but like hip/hip urban music its not the place for you. It isn't nothing but passive aggressive segregation. But we will see how it works out. I do tend to bounce from one career idea to another. Maybe this would stick if the people around me keep encouraging me and supporting me.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
I would describe Arianne's art as whimsical and feminine but what do I know? I am not an art critic, I just know what I find pleasing to my own wacky eyes. In addition to being an accomplished artist in New York she is also a talented opera singer! She does a beautiful version of Ava Maria. Recently, this talented artist had a showing of her art in Spain! You go girl. I enjoy her art and I hope that you will dig it too. To find out more about Arianne check out her websites..
Saturday, July 18, 2009
A true heterosexual dog who is all about the pussy conceals that from women that is why we call them dogs. Only a dumb ass man would put it out there like that. There is a thin line between a straight man pretending he getting laid and a gay black man pretending he straight when it is obvious that you are dirty bottom! Please just stop it. You have crossed that line you not fooling anyone. You are too extra with it. Tone it down! Its embarrassing! I hope he is not fooling any women with that farce! If so, it is tragic. From even looking at his pictures he just screams gay man to me. I hope all his talk about pussy and bitches begging to fuck him is just internet talk and he signs off and gets in bed with his lover and do what it do.
And the way he goes on about Jay Z!! He would so suck him off to get on a mix tape. He would let him put it anywhere. He a dirty ho. Beyonce better watch her man! He is a mess!
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
He got me some panties and a jewelry box for our anniversary. Panties are a must and very practical. I don't think my ass will be contained in them joints though, he wouldn't mind though. So far I had a very sweet anniversary. I love my husband with all my heart, he sees me as I truly am and with all my flaws he loves me. I can't even imagine my life without him. He compliments me in every way. I love him and I look forward to another year and many more after that. Oh and some babies! I am very blessed to have the partner I have. He respects me, loves me he is my Best BEST friend. God sent me a good man.
Disclaimer: kind of tired so I know this doesn't flow very well. Didn't sleep well last night going for a nap now!
Friday, July 10, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Michael was a grown man and he made the choices he made and who am I to judge. That man carried weight. Folks talk about him as if he worked at Kinko's we can't compare his life to ours or judge his choices. We just can't. As I watched the memorial service for him the tears began to flow again. Our Michael is gone. Children have lost their father. I can't even imagine! Those poor poor kids. I hope people leave them alone. Please leave them alone. And Katherine! That was her child! No mother ever ever thinks about burying their child. I am depressed about the whole situation and confused to weep for a man I never knew is confusing. Why do I hurt like I do. Why do I want to hug his family and tell them how sorry I am. Who am I? Maybe its because we grew up with them. I don't know but lord I have cried a river today.
Everyone at the memorial to me touched on all sides of Michael the performer, the friend, the brother, the father. None of us are one thing are we? I was wanted to cuss when I saw Al Sharpton and was ready to get army marching to tell him to shut up but when he spoke to the kids I was like YES YES. "Nothing is strange about your daddy, what he had to deal with was strange" That was the truth. He saved himself because I was ready to ring the alarm with all that shouting he was doing. Brooke's shaking hands... But for me who truly captured the memorial was Stevie Wonder. Oh my God his song choices!!! The Lyrics to They Won't Go When I Go was so poignant. I am crying now just thinking of it. Stevie you are a genius and a blessing.. Fuck the haters Michael..they can't touch you...
Paris baby girl..thank you for being strong and speaking for your Daddy. A father is a girl's first love. She broke my heart because she is having to be strong and experience something that my 34 year old ass can't comprehend. When she called him Daddy it just broke my heart. Daddy means something to a girl I can't explain it. Thank you for being a brave girl and letting us know how much you loved him. We appreciate, respect and cherish that the first words we heard you speak was for the love of your father. I know this blog sounds like a babbling hot mess but I had to write it. Typo's, fucked up grammar and all. It's from the heart. Thank you Michael I pray and hope your soul is at peace in God's glory. I love you..I love you..
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Friday, July 3, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
I still think that this video visually is still stunning. Beth Gordon manages to sound like a 40's torch singer but yet still sound so 3000 with it.
Stank ass universal group disables embedded links. Bitch.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
I have been having this spasm in my right eye. I think it is from looking at a computer screen too much. I need to back away off of this bitch. All in all I would just say that I am happy right now and I am acknowledging it. Too many times I pop up when shit is negative but at this minute I am fine, happy, content oh and bloated. Got damn period! See.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
I am ready to go back to my routine. They are nice well the father-in law is. His wife is another matter. She is nice and means well. She has issues with Muslims she made some comments that was like whaaaaaaat?? I can tell she loves her husband. But she is a party pooper, a negative nancy. She doesn't like anything we pick to eat. She makes comments when we are drinking having a good time. She is just difficult we don't even ask her input anymore. If she doesn't like what we pick to eat. Than just starve bitch, its too much. All this time with the husband has also been an adjustment. I am a shitty wife. I know it. My husband likes a lot of affection and romance and I am just not feeling it. At all. It seems as though as soon as I got married I changed. I picked up weight the affection came to a slow down. It is what we argue about most. I don't know what happened. If I was horny like everyday my marriage would be a piece of cake. Maybe marriage is not for me. Maybe I have been a lone wolf so long being a couple throws me the fuck off. ARGH. If he cheats or wants to leave the relationship. I won't even be surprised. That's sad to say. But it is truthful. I am crazy. I know it.
I took alot of pictures of my trip I will try and post them later. We went to a plantation in Louisiana I learned a bit about creoles. Since I am a history nutt that was right up my alley. What was strange was slaves were like a passing thought. We could not be in the main house unattended but the slave house is where the tour ended and we had full range of that shack. It was strange.
Oh BTW-I got my Spring grades I got all A's. Still a 4.0 student...that doesn't proofread her blogs! Trifling.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
I just read Push by Sapphire. I loved it! Its like a ghetto Color Purple with a foul mouth 16 yo. Very good. I plan on blogging about it more. Well I think I better sign off. I am on the laptop in the bedroom and I know my husband will be wanting to come to bed. He does not know about this blog...shit alot of people don't.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
"No one will speak to me"
"That mother wheeled her baby from me as if I were the plague"
"...but never forget she is WHITEY"
"She lives in MISERY and asks if she can help me."
Lord the lines is just non stop. When Lois gets her African swag on its.. its just priceless.
Here is her website:
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Man Tylenol PM is kicking my ass right now!
Friday, April 17, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
I feel guilty for feeling this way.I wish I could just go somewhere for a while and lick my wounds and have the world pause for me while I get myself together but that's not how life works. You have to keep going. People don't stop for you. As painful as it is, I keep at at. I comb my hair, I put my make up on, I smile at the appropriate times. I make people laugh and I keep going even when everything in me screams just lay down it ain't working.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Saturday, April 4, 2009
I am like real gasey right now. lol Just thought I let you know. lol Enjoy the video.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Its no longer a fairytale. Its the real right now. I am hurt. I don't want us to drift apart. He looks to me for guidance and I don't have the words to guide him.
I don't know what to do. I am angry now and I must be careful
Monday, March 16, 2009
Here are some of the entries that made me laugh:
"Today in computer this boy who I think is cute named ***** talked to me, which I thought was nice. He asked me could he sit in my seat. I said NO and he keep trying to put a sweet face on me."
"I wish I had a boyfriend. A CUTE ONE!!!! PS I saw a fight"
" But YOU SHOULD have seen ***** if you did your eyes would have fell out he had on a black turtle neck with some Guess on. He looked good Oh I wish I could go with him."
" I can't stand ****** she keep talking shit she is going to make me go off on her ass"
"Prince is so fine I would love to marry him and do almost everything to please him" (I think I threw up in my mouth as I typed that)
" I got my letter back from Prince that I sent it said return to sender."
"***** told me that J.D said I started my period in C.C.D. I wasn't mad but if one more person ask me that I'm gonna go off on J.D cause he don't know what the fuck he is talking about."
" I made my confirmation it was O.K. The Bishop said my saint name was his mama's name"
" I could have kissed ******"
"My mama is getting on my fucking nerves shit. She is busting in here when I am changing without knocking and I told her she need to knock. Then she go say well change in the bath. I said it's my room I should be able to change if I want in my own room. She just gets on my nerves."
"Mama could have went out but as usual she fucked up my night."
"I got to watch 9 1/2 weeks ohh that movie is good."
Oh dear that is about all I can stomach of myself. I was a straight up fast, think she smart bitch. LOL
Today I was looking through my diary from middle school and some of the passages I read made me want to gag. LOL. I may post some of them later, but this particular passage made tears well up in my eyes because I remember that day. The shaky handwriting that I used expressed a sad day that at the time I didn’t have the words to express what I was feeling, the ink was a cheerful teal blue.
“I hate that damn Edward. Could take a gun and shoot him. No one is the world can have so much hate inside for someone. I mean I hate staying here. He’s out there cutting down a tree that I really like. I hate him. I hate him I wish a tree limb would”
That was all that I wrote but I remember that day. It was the first and last day a man ever laid his hands on me. I remember talking to my grandmother about how he was cutting the limbs off of a tree in our front yard. I was angry about it. I felt it was not his house to make such a decision. My mom was at work and Edward was her boyfriend who lived with us. He decided to cut off the limbs on a perfectly good tree at a house we were renting. It looked horrible. I remember thinking he was such a sorry ass man and how could my mother waste her time on him. Anyway he heard me talking shit about him cutting down the tree with my grandmother on the phone and we got in an argument. And it ended with him grabbing me by my neck and throwing me in my room. I remember thinking at the time that it must have looked like that scene in Purple Rain when his daddy slapped him into the next room. Remember that. It was comical yet disturbing at the same time.
Anyway, I remembered the fear I felt. I knew I couldn’t win. Even if my anger towards him was equal towards him as his was towards me. I would lose. I know we were yelling at each other what I said I don’t remember. I remember later looking in the mirror and the cross necklace I had around my neck had left scratches on my neck from the tussle. I could have had his ass. I had power, I knew what I could do if I just opened my mouth. I knew if I told my mom what he did she would leave him but I never told her what happened. Even to this day she doesn’t know for sure what happened that day. I didn’t want to worry her. I loved my mother I hated to see her hurt or break her heart. This I felt would break her heart. My mother was stressed our household was full of fighting and unhappiness. Our life was not good with Edward. But perhaps I didn’t tell her for fear she wouldn’t leave him and then I would have to hate her and resent her more than I already did for staying with this man. When she came home she knew something had happened and she asked me how I got the scratches on my neck. I said nothing.
My mother’s relationship with this man finally did end of course it took longer than I would have liked. I never understood and still don’t understand the hold he had on my mother. My mother was and still is a beautiful, intelligent and strong woman. I adore her. I recognize the sacrifices she made. Its not easy raising a child alone. I recognize now the complexities of relationships. I harbor no ill will. Outside people may have their opinions about the choices she made or my choice to not speak, but that really doesn’t matter. I am more than just this occurrence. She is more than that particular relationship she was in. And I am OK. My mother is OK. My mother raised me to be a thoughtful, independent and self-reliant woman. I learned how I wanted to be loved, what I expected from a man. I learned to never be weak. I grew from this incident. And sadly in life you sometimes have to learn the hard way, life isn't fair. It would be great if we were all infallible right? When I come back I will do the best of the "ohh the boy I like felt on my booty entries." lol