Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Today is not a good day

I feel incredibly tender. I am raw and I feel at any moment that I could break into sobs. When people want to know why you hurt the only answer I can give is, its everything yet nothing at all. I can't bear to look at myself in the mirror lately. Everything looks ugly, everything smells of desperation. Disgusted. I hate feeling this way. I know it will pass but when you feel this way its almost unbearable. The isolation, there is nothing anyone else can do for you. Its up to you to get right. I not only feel my own pain but I also feel the pain of others. I can intellectualize everything that is wrong with me that I can improve upon and yet I do nothing significant about it. Its weakness and I can't stand it. I can't stand weak people, I have no patience. Yet every once in a while I become what I can't stand the most and its exhausting. Am I punishing myself?

I feel guilty for feeling this way.I wish I could just go somewhere for a while and lick my wounds and have the world pause for me while I get myself together but that's not how life works. You have to keep going. People don't stop for you. As painful as it is, I keep at at. I comb my hair, I put my make up on, I smile at the appropriate times. I make people laugh and I keep going even when everything in me screams just lay down it ain't working.

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