Friday, March 27, 2009

Boyfriend Of Youth

I find myself looking at men in a different light. I study them now. I look for the characteristics that would have enthralled me in my youth. The things that attracted me back then, doesn't do it for me now but, I am still intrigued by them. I was very stuck on looks but I like to pretend I never was. As I have gotten older, how I am treated is way more important to me than how a man looks. I ran into a guy I considered my first adult relationship. He looks the same so much so, that I see now the traits in him that now I would think of as corny, yet I am curious about him.What was it about him that had me so open? I still can't put my finger on it yet I still recognize that I indeed did feel that way about him. My heart was completely open back then, nothing to darken it. It was one of those relationships that to me is special because, we never had sex yet what happened in that relationship changed me profoundly. My rose colored glasses were smashed. I changed. My ego was checked. Before him I never really cared about other guys in the same way I did about him, and before that I had never been rejected. His rejection hurt and mattered. I had that "what is wrong with me" moment. I think every woman has this at some point; the why can't I keep a man bag. Its when you think you are the perfect girlfriend and then someone lets you know umm no ma'am you not. I was delivered from my girlish ideals to womanhood. I wanted to know why. He had no answers. Now I realize, why really isn't that important. An affair of youth. So to run into him again has me curious not in a I am interested in him way but in an observant way. We were so young back then. I wonder...

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