I LIVE FOR THIS!!!!!

I love it when women talk like trash in cheap polyester dresses and synthetic wigs!

This says it all

Lola has a new home

I feel a little sad about it. We found someone willing to adopt her. I hope that she does alright. I have never given a pet away that I have kept for a while. We had Lola for over 2 1/2 years. I was at my wits end with the damage both cats were doing to my house. She didn't like the $300 litter box I bought so I had 2 litter boxes for a year and it was a mess! It will be nice to be able to have people over with out having to check and make sure her ass didn't piss on the floor next to the litter box. She was the nasty.

But she was sweet too. She would come when you called. She would touch me on my leg while I was doing homework and check on me. She was sweet in her own way. I will miss how she would carry her toy monkey around like it was a baby and sleep next to it.

I miss her..she was my baby girl and I couldn't handle her..

Ahem

Make-up inspiration

Smokey eye bright red lips..

Going to do a video on this look..

Hello Excuse Me

But is this mic on?? Testing..1..2...3.. ::ahem::

Depression Tests

I took a couple and they all say I have moderate depression. I always feel guilty about feelings of depression like God will give me something to be depressed about and I need to suck it up. I do feel blah about everything. I get excited about something and it quickly dissipates. I have no desire to do anything. I just want to isolate all the time. I literally fight urges to just go somewhere and not come home. Earlier I wanted to get in my car and go binge on burgers. Ain't that nutty? But laziness kept my ass right in this house. It has absolutely nothing to do with anyone else just me and my quirks.

Im a crazy cow.

Sigh

He is not happy. He is not happy. He is not happy

Also..my ass can't sleep

It is damn near 5 in the morning and I am wide awake. So yeah FML. Finals this week and next. Wish me luck because I am going to need it. Now sure if this semester will be a 4.0 one unless I can pull all A's on these exams.

I am stuck

I still have not lost anymore god darn weight! I have been stuck for 2 weeks now! Son of a bitch.

Pissed

Weigh ins this week suck. I did not lose any weight but I gained a pound. This is the point where I get stuck and want to say fuck it and eat a 5 Guys burger. I need to get over this hump! Perhaps I am not eating enough calories. I am most definitely am not eating more. So this week I am going to work at increasing my vegetables. Dieting fucking sucks I tell you.

I believe in setting mini goals

When I weighed in this morning I am at the weight I usually get when I am feeling myself and start to fuck up. I lost 3 more lbs. So my goal is to get down from this number. I hope to do it by next weigh in. I am focus ya'll I need to get my shit together! It is so tempting to eat bullshit I tell you. And the Mister is still continuing to eat the good shit all up in my face. Skinny people can suck it.

I need to stop being negative. I have only been on a diet for for a week and have lost 9 pounds that is pretty good. And I am thankful. Now my next mini goal will be 5 more pounds. Let's get it! I want to hit that before Thanksgiving!

Thus Far

I would have to agree wholeheartedly that dieting sucks MONKEY gotdam balls! Food is a pleasure for me much like looking at naked bodies are for men. And I am not getting off! I started my diet last Sunday and I am happy to report I have lost 6 pounds! Hooray! I am sure it is just water but let a bitch live for a moment! I have also not done shit this weekend! I read a little bit of a book for class but other than that I have been on the internet looking for ways to update my style. Which is a waste a time because I don't do shit but go to school and come home. No one sees me really. I need to be focused on school work...I think I am just becoming over it. And I have 2 papers I need to right that are quite intensive. Lord help me!

I went to see Precious and my remarks on that deserve a whole blog not just a blurb. On the whole I think I am in good spirits considering that my ass be day dreaming about cakes and cookies. Ain't that just so fat shit??? I don't give a damn its true. If I lose 30lbs. there will be no living with me, do you hear me?!?! I am going to work it do you hear me. I am already improving upon my make skills..so yeah.. be prepared.

Sorry this blog is all over the place but fuck that life and the way my mind works.

I am going to tell the story

Of the last time I socked the shit out of a person. I am not a violent person although by the way I talk at times you would think that I have to just stomp ass all day every day. I will defend myself but I am never physically aggressive first. Well I take that back. One time I was and that ghetto girl beat my ass but hey you can't fuck with a girl with a jheri curl.

So back to this story:

The scene..the Navy...

Every enlisted sailor has to do 90 days working in the kitchen. We called it cranking and yes it sucks. You smell like wet potatoes everyday. I don't know why they make everyone crank. Maybe they do it to remind you that you have no control over your life. Anyways, I worked in the deep sink which is where you wash the big ass pots the cooks use. I didn't mind being back there because I didn't want anyone to see me walking around in that funk ass mustard yellow shirt. Or funking up the atmosphere smelling like spoiled vegetables. So I chose to be in the back and besides people don't tend to bother the pot washers it was too hot back and unpleasant and I just wanted to do my time in piece.

So there was this white girl that was back there with me. She worked in Port Services and I thought the bitch was weird. She never talked and she just seemed off to me. But I just ignored her and washed the pots. So one day we were in the deep sink alone, the other folks were probably skating off something and that day we were busy. Now anyone that has every washed pots or dishes know that you sometimes get little pieces of food stuck to the pot or plate while washing and water splashes around. We were washing pots that was damn near as long as my torso so its expected they did not fit perfectly into the deep sink. So this one day crazy bitch decided to speak she was like, "Don't splash me with water".

At first I was like, "what the hell bitch". I was not deliberately splashing water on this bitch so I was was like this bitch is tripping. I told her, "I am not intentionally spraying you with water". As far as I was concern the matter was closed. So anyway I got this big pot and their was a cucumber stuck to it and I picked it off the pot and threw it on the back splash. Crazy bitch lost her mind at that point and reached into the hot, dirty dishwater and splashed that shit in my face it was on some Dynasty level. I mean who in the hell splashes water in someone's face! I SNAPPED. I couldn't believe this bitch had the audacity to throw water in my face. Why I went IKE TURNER on that ass and socked the shit out of her. Her hat flew off her head. And then I yelled at her to pick it up and then continued to cuss her out. I was yelling so loud at this bitch the whole kitchen got quiet. I cursed her out like a pimp looking for his money!

I was about to sock that bitch again and you know what stopped me. The fear in her eyes. Other than that I would have continued to wipe the floor with her ass. All the men in the kitchen had a look on their faces that in hindsight now is comical but at the time I was like mind ya business! They looked like the South Park cartoons just big blinking eyes. She had blood coming out of her ear. I just knew then that bitch was gonna tell on me! I could have gotten in SERIOUS trouble had she told on me but she never did. The ho never came back into that deep sink again. I remember the other guy that worked back there with me was like "what did you do to that girl?" I was like nothing. I learned then that if you gonna attack someone, you have to be fully prepared to back it up. You end up looking like a fool! Like my friend Mike said, "the person who initiates the slap usually gags last" Amen brother Mike Amen.

I am telling you

I am so fat right now. Matter of fact my pants is not buttoned right now. (FAT SHIT) It seems like fat is trying to take over everything. Its affecting my sex life. (I have NO sex drive) I don't even want to get on a scale I probably would faint. I was doing good in the summer with my runs but since school has started I have fell off. I never ever thought I would get this big. So today I have started dieting. It is so hard because I love to eat. Whatever is full of fat and sugar I love it! I am on some fat shit I know!

None of my jeans are shirts fit right. My body has morphed from Beyonce to Tocarra! I can't stand it. Oh and Tocarra with no titties at that. I have big arms now! I never had big arms before. But anyway I am going to stop bitching about it and do it. Its tiring when people complain about shit and don't do nothing about it. Wishing this weight off is not gonna make it so.

Not having sugar is going to kill me ya'll just don't know I have been on some fat shit! Have Starbucks and cake Mon-Thur at school rather than eating some damn food. I am a mess!

Diana Ross: Getting Her Afrikkan Dance On

Miss Ross was working it with her skinny self! She is fabulous! A beautiful brown skin sista!

Had a dream

That was disturbing about this certain person. It was not sexual in any way but I think it represented what always irked me about him. I had no emotional control or influence over him and therefore he did as he liked and all I could do was get mad and stew.

I had a dream that he kept throwing a glass and hitting my car and I was yelling at him. As I kept walking closer to him I noticed he had this happy look on his face. I could tell by his eyes he was pissed but his demeanor was nonchalant like he wasn't throwing shit at my car. I began to get afraid as I was confused by his actions like why is he attacking my shit with a smile on his face. I could see the class he was throwing was one of mine and it had a kool aid stain at the bottom so then I remembered that I had previously thrown that glass at him and he was now throwing it back at me when I least expected it and then I really got pissed and started cursing him out.I knew I could'nt physically fight him because he was stronger than me and more fit. I woke myself up from that shit.


Isn't that a crazy dream?? I felt dream raped or something.

My My My

School is going OK I suppose. I have a lot of papers I have to write and I am apprehensive about it. I am not confident in my writings. I know I don't write terribly but academic/scholarly writing is another level. I want to do well. I have been getting all A's since returning to school and a C in something is just not acceptable. Proof-reading is my downfall. I miss things. I give some things to my husband to look over and he doesn't catch everything. I think I had a bad experience in an English class a few years ago and I am shook for life. LOL Ole mean as bastard.

I found out that one of my ex's is getting married and knocked a woman up. They haven't even been dating that long!! It is just weird to see boyfriends from my youth from where I am now in life. I still see them as weak ass fuck ups and they probably still see me as 'the crazy bitch'.

I never thought I would find a husband who is as sweet and caring as he is. I love my husband to death. Nothing makes me feel better than crawling into bed with him. He tries so hard and I am so STIFF BITCH. He is my best friend and trust it isn't lovely all the time but there is no one else I would rather be with. Even though when I married him I got fat. It is harder than a mug to get these 15lbs off-- let me stop 20lbs off. I lose 10 and then bam! Its on me again. Lord why do I love food so much and exercise so little.

I have a friend going through a break up and I am sorry I feel no sympathy for her. I don't have the patience to hand hold a grown ass woman anymore. You break up you move on. Maybe I am more hard core because I have always been in survivor mode. One monkey don't stop no show! You have to keep at it. I would be crushed if my marriage ended but I would not waste energy in trying to sabotage his life. When you break up with someone you should exit stage right with as much dignity as possible. Being a common bitch about something you have no control over is a waste! He don't want you let him go. I really don't even want to fool with her anymore. We are on different levels.

I guess that is enough babbling for now. I wonder does anybody even read this shit!

Lordy Lordy

The Master is not pleased with me! We have been on funky ground since Saturday night. I am being bitched face on the sly. You know when you are having issues and every things is just simmering on the surface. Oh well. Like Popeye "I am what I am"

Also Courtney Love is fucking INSANE. I must be a sadist because she clogs up my feed on Twitter with rambling incomprehensible bullshit yet I won't unfollow her. I am intrigued by the crazy. She rambles about how people have stolen money and clothes from her. That people are using her husband's social security number all kinds of drama and none of it makes sense. Someone actually made a twitter account to translate her shit.

Maybe I will get tired of it soon but for now it is amusing me for a little bit.

Also my other mindless escape is Sorority Life some women take it very serious. Here is another interesting article someone posted about Facebook...fairly true..

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970204660604574370450465849142.html

If I am honest with myself I should notice that this blog is some random bullshit in itself.

OMG I HEART THIS!!!!!

Shouting to drum and bass= genius!>

Random Shit

TMZ is always so tacky when celebrities die yet I still continue to read that shit I guess that makes me tacky too?

The more education I have the more resentful I become of men.

I didn't raise alot of money for my friend but its the thought that counts right? She has $275 she didn't have.

I think I piss my husband off with my lack of affection and romantic overtures.

Watching Tropic Thunder for the umptenth time..I am no longer laughing.

I miss Michael Jackson.

I miss nasty Prince.

Inglorious Basterds was alright I couldn't get past the plot being totally full of shit though.

I never feel content.

Just a quick note

Am I even capable of that. I am very nervous about this semester. I have NUMEROUS papers I have to write. And I am scared shitless. I am ok with 1 paper a class spaced out but with my schedule this semester I will have to do serious research and book reviews. I am sort of excited for the challenge and it is an opportunity to improve my writing but damn I don't want to do poorly.

I am intrigued by my philosophy of race class it looks like it will be very enlightening. It is funny in my military history class I am the ONLY black female. In my African American history class there are NO white people just 1 latina that class is heavy with the negroes. The class is also taught by a latino. As black people we really aren't taught our history but I can recite white folks history all up and down.. Don't even get me started how women are virtually ignored in history everything is about THE MAN. No wonder no one likes your funky ass.

(I did not proofread I am about to eat)

Cheers

I Kinda Miss This In Music

Even though I think baby girl goes on a bit too long, I do miss how singers would talk over a groove before breaking it down. Songs were allowed to build a little bit. Now its straight fucking no time for four play. lol Women were chopping men up long before "can you pay my bills".

So I introduce to you Miss Marlena Shaw

Drama

So much has been going on! I think I twitter to much because now I don't bother to blog anymore! Well one of the things I am working on is helping out my friend. She is in DIRE FINANCIAL straits at this moment. I didn't realize how bad it was. I normally don't read too much into when someone says that money is tight. Because shit that is how most my life has been- alright, tight, no extra money, broke, and why am I not homeless? I am part of the working poor it is what it is. But earlier this week she confessed that her husband has not worked since February he has been able to find a job that pays him anything. She doesn't make much. They live in the country so job opportunities are not plentiful and everything has just basically spiraled out of control in the last 2 months. To hear my friend cry and confess she may lose her home just made me sick to my stomach.

To a cancer our home is our castle, it is our sanctuary of peace. To lose our piece of peace is just devastating. I am a full time student I don't have much money. What makes us make it is my husband working if he got sick or lost his job we would be in her position. I can't give her a large amount of money to help her out but what I can do is fund raise for her and that is what I am doing. She doesn't know by the way I am doing this for her. If she knew it she would stop me. I am sorry a closed mouth don't get fed. Your sorry ass husband can't get it together I will help you. Some people fall apart when adversity comes their way, I like to think that is when I am at my toughest. I think what really got me was her feeling of hopelessness and feeling alone that no one can help her. That breaks my heart, that is what slips you into a darkness you can't get out of. My idea to raise money has been baking cakes and charging $25 a cake and I am also taking donations of any amount. I will take a dime its a dime she doesn't have. Since Tuesday I have received $65 so far. I am expecting more donations next week. Pay day is coming!! I make a delicious chocolate cake and I am working on perfecting this honey bun cake..I have some ideas. I would almost make any kind of cake if it is within my skill set.

Besides who doesn't like cake?? If you don't you dark sided. I loved to baked but didn't for a while because I was single and a single woman don't need a whole cake in their house. I like to bake for people and give it away. I hope the money I raise will at least help a little bit. My husband and I gave her $125 which isn't much but shit its something. I have never fund raised before so I am doing this all off cuff. It does touch me though that people are helping me with this project. I know good and well that no one has to do shit for you in this life. We can be coldblooded beings consumed with our own personal dramas and we don't notice that the person next to us is drowning. Then once you gone its all these revelations. Fuck that help people when they are around and can appreciate your helping hand.

This right here is my kiki

When folks work my nerves, this is my go to song. And if you follow me on Twitter I have posted it a few times when I need a "praise break"
I immediately giggle. It is so over the top. You can't help but want to get a church fan and step it out IN THE NAME OF JESUS! IT'S OVAAAAAAAAAAAA. Is so very blackbaptistchurch-ish. So when folks are giving you fever, sweating you, or when a bill collector calls your house just start blasting this and all will be forgiving for about 5 minutes at least.

When I Watch Coverage on Health Care Reform

And they show footage of angry mobs of WHITE MEN and WOMEN screaming at the top of their lungs that Obama is trying to kill their grandmother. I can't help but see white people who DO NOT want this black man to succeed. Fuck what is best for our country this nigger has got to fail. To me when they say, "Obama is a socialist" what they are really saying is "Obama is a NIGGER". Its a code phrase and it aggravates me to no end. These people are the same crack pots that were following McCain screaming socialism but #1 they couldn't spell it nor explain it. I really hope these crazy people don't win. When Hillary tried to push through reform it was white business men and powerful lobbyist that put a stop to that. They never accused her of trying to kill white down syndrome babies. She was just a woman that didn't know her place, same thing but the overtone about Obama much scarier. You never felt that hateful rhetoric was going to rile someone up so that a crazy would try and assassinate her. They just put her in her place and she went to baking cookies and visiting countries.

Most of their complaints are dense. "We don't want the government deciding what kind of health care we need!!!" You dumb ignorant bitch. Private insurance companies already do that. Where the fuck have you been? Have you ever been sick? They decide what they want to pay for. They decide who gets coverage.They have caps. When I left my job I was given a letter that I was told I must keep that says I had no pre-exisiting conditions, so that when I go to a new job I will be able to give covered. If I lose that shit, I am going to be in trouble. Obama's administration is not trying to socialize medicine what they are trying to do is make it better but the crazy ass, no reading, militant ass, crazy white boys and their breeders are trying to sabotage it by spreading lies. They are just coming off as rabid dogs. A true definition of a 'hater'.

Regulation is the only way to get these changes like it or not. Free market principles can not work for everything. It is not a fix it all. Capitalism is not a catch all. I would like to see regulation that prevents private insurance from dropping coverage for sick people or people with pre-existing health issues. I would like to see affordable insurance offered to people who work part-time and their job does not offer, insurance for those who lose or quit their job. When you lose your job and all you have is 2 weeks pay coming at you. COBRA is too damn high! IF we could get 2 of those things it would be a vast improvement. Also, the Obama plan wants to give insurance companies 5 years to comply. That shit need to be cut down to 3.

Anyway, I just felt I had to speak on that. I am always willing to listen to rational people discuss issues but once you get emotional about it and don't stick to the facts or offer a solution to fix it. I can't give you any ear time. Sorry.

Today I feel

Unsettled. I just want to lay in bed watch tv and not speak to anyone. All summer I have not done a damn thing but waste time on frivolous things. I have ideas but I never follow through a dreamer with no fire underneath them.

Wide Awake

And watching pirated episodes of Mad Men on the playstation. This shit is raggedy. I wish I was horny all the time then I could be busy jumping on my husband's magic stick rather than fucking around online. My cypher is broken. I don't feel right. And I have no idea about how to make it better. Me and my husband well mainly me and my friend have been discussing owning our own lounge. I really think we could do it. My husband is not a take charge type of man so I know that I will be have to do the delegating of tasks for shit to get done. We have a lot of ideas but ideas don't get shit done, action does.

The SBA website has a lot of good information to shift through. The shit is so dry though. I want to try and get a part time gig at a lounge so I can know the business better. I believe the 28-40 yo old night life market is virtually ignored for adults. Grown people like to go out too we just don't because we don't want to kick it with a bunch of 18 year olds listening to shitty music. Alot of spots here are all over the place with promotions..black night, latin night, gay night etc etc to me its all exclusive like if you are not black but like hip/hip urban music its not the place for you. It isn't nothing but passive aggressive segregation. But we will see how it works out. I do tend to bounce from one career idea to another. Maybe this would stick if the people around me keep encouraging me and supporting me.

I am not feeling

Grown men acting like 12 year old boys! I find myself rolling my eyes a lot to day. Perhaps I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed this afternoon. Maybe that is my damn problem I have nothing to do. I can clean out and straighten up but who wants to do that every damn day. I feel a bit unstable. But not the Britney Spears 5150 hold unstable more like being mean to people for no real reason unstable.

OK This shit is hilarious to ME

Turn your volume down because the screaming on this is turned up to 11!

Artist Spotlight: Arianne Zager

I would describe Arianne's art as whimsical and feminine but what do I know? I am not an art critic, I just know what I find pleasing to my own wacky eyes. In addition to being an accomplished artist in New York she is also a talented opera singer! She does a beautiful version of Ava Maria. Recently, this talented artist had a showing of her art in Spain! You go girl. I enjoy her art and I hope that you will dig it too. To find out more about Arianne check out her websites..

www.ariannezager.com

www.myspace.com/arianneart

This Song Always Made Me Laugh

I hate that the only unedited version of this song I can find is Chopped & Screwed...

Stop it!

There is one thing I can't stand and that is a man who is gay and tries to over compensate for what he feels is a shortcoming and perpetrate a sexist heterosexual dog role! The man in the mirror is screaming "I AM A BOTTOM!!" You are not fooling anyone! I don't believe in outing people I believe it is tacky but sometimes, I want to be a basic woman and ring the alarm on this fool. Its a tell darling when all you do is hollar about pussy, what a woman should dress like or how she should have her hair styled, and how many bitches want to fuck you. Straight men don't do that darling because a straight man knows that if you publicly disrespect women in that manner your chances of getting pussy as you say is next to none. Stop it. Just keep your mouth shut!

A true heterosexual dog who is all about the pussy conceals that from women that is why we call them dogs. Only a dumb ass man would put it out there like that. There is a thin line between a straight man pretending he getting laid and a gay black man pretending he straight when it is obvious that you are dirty bottom! Please just stop it. You have crossed that line you not fooling anyone. You are too extra with it. Tone it down! Its embarrassing! I hope he is not fooling any women with that farce! If so, it is tragic. From even looking at his pictures he just screams gay man to me. I hope all his talk about pussy and bitches begging to fuck him is just internet talk and he signs off and gets in bed with his lover and do what it do.

And the way he goes on about Jay Z!! He would so suck him off to get on a mix tape. He would let him put it anywhere. He a dirty ho. Beyonce better watch her man! He is a mess!

Today is Our Anniversary

Its weird because we have been married now for 2 years but really we have been with each other since 2004. So it seems like a long time but when you tell someone that you have only been married 2 years it seems like nothing. Today so far was fun. My husband hid notes all through out the house with clues to the next clue. It was a mini scavenger hunt! He even hid a clue on Simba! I was too tickled! With one of the clues I had to play a certain track on his ipod and it was him talking and telling me how to work out my next clue. It was so different and sweet. Oh and he made me a video too telling me how much he loved me! I am a spoiled girl! As much as a bitch about stuff, I have an outstanding husband that loves me to pieces. It is me with the stanked up to be damn mindset.

He got me some panties and a jewelry box for our anniversary. Panties are a must and very practical. I don't think my ass will be contained in them joints though, he wouldn't mind though. So far I had a very sweet anniversary. I love my husband with all my heart, he sees me as I truly am and with all my flaws he loves me. I can't even imagine my life without him. He compliments me in every way. I love him and I look forward to another year and many more after that. Oh and some babies! I am very blessed to have the partner I have. He respects me, loves me he is my Best BEST friend. God sent me a good man.


Disclaimer: kind of tired so I know this doesn't flow very well. Didn't sleep well last night going for a nap now!

Another Cartoon I Made

This cartoon was inspired by my friend Mikey and a conversation that went on with room mate. His friend was really going through it about these dishes.

Today..

Was hard..When I first heard of Michael Jackson's passing I didn't expect it to affect me the way it had. Tears flowed and flowed. All I can see was this man who loved to perform who was gentle and sweet and we just shitted on him and now..he is gone. I grew up with Michael there was never a time in my life he wasn't there. He was my first crush. I remember being so proud of him and thinking how cute he was. This BLACK man ruled. Do you hear me! No one..no one was more famous than he. Artists aspire to be like him but they can't touch it. He is legend. They just don't have artists like him anyone that lived and breathe the art they created. I know he is weeping with us, at all the love being put out in the atmosphere for him. It was like my brother died..but I would have been the ghetto sister cussing muthafuckers out for running my brother's name through the mud. I would have beat bitches in to the concrete. I wouldn't let any body fuck with him. But he wasn't my brother.... I know they say he belonged to all of us and to a point he did but he belonged to his family. He was a breathing human being not a personality or Jacko or all that bullshit. He was Michael Joseph Jackson, a son, brother and father.

Michael was a grown man and he made the choices he made and who am I to judge. That man carried weight. Folks talk about him as if he worked at Kinko's we can't compare his life to ours or judge his choices. We just can't. As I watched the memorial service for him the tears began to flow again. Our Michael is gone. Children have lost their father. I can't even imagine! Those poor poor kids. I hope people leave them alone. Please leave them alone. And Katherine! That was her child! No mother ever ever thinks about burying their child. I am depressed about the whole situation and confused to weep for a man I never knew is confusing. Why do I hurt like I do. Why do I want to hug his family and tell them how sorry I am. Who am I? Maybe its because we grew up with them. I don't know but lord I have cried a river today.

Everyone at the memorial to me touched on all sides of Michael the performer, the friend, the brother, the father. None of us are one thing are we? I was wanted to cuss when I saw Al Sharpton and was ready to get army marching to tell him to shut up but when he spoke to the kids I was like YES YES. "Nothing is strange about your daddy, what he had to deal with was strange" That was the truth. He saved himself because I was ready to ring the alarm with all that shouting he was doing. Brooke's shaking hands... But for me who truly captured the memorial was Stevie Wonder. Oh my God his song choices!!! The Lyrics to They Won't Go When I Go was so poignant. I am crying now just thinking of it. Stevie you are a genius and a blessing.. Fuck the haters Michael..they can't touch you...

Paris baby girl..thank you for being strong and speaking for your Daddy. A father is a girl's first love. She broke my heart because she is having to be strong and experience something that my 34 year old ass can't comprehend. When she called him Daddy it just broke my heart. Daddy means something to a girl I can't explain it. Thank you for being a brave girl and letting us know how much you loved him. We appreciate, respect and cherish that the first words we heard you speak was for the love of your father. I know this blog sounds like a babbling hot mess but I had to write it. Typo's, fucked up grammar and all. It's from the heart. Thank you Michael I pray and hope your soul is at peace in God's glory. I love you..I love you..

A Video I Made

I made this video in response to some ignorant shit I saw from someone I was following on Twitter and the Erykah Badu and Indie Arie video. To me my video is mad hilarious. It amuses me and really that is all that matters. lol

I'm a little annoyed

Yes! I am right at this moment. This is the only place I can express it because if I post it anywhere else I will get 21 questions.

This is hilarious

When India Arie meets Erykah Badu..

Michael Jackson is Dead

I am so hurt and upset. Rest in Peace Michael...

An old school jam of mine

Portishead-Only You

I still think that this video visually is still stunning. Beth Gordon manages to sound like a 40's torch singer but yet still sound so 3000 with it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xcsaUJTGcMk

Stank ass universal group disables embedded links. Bitch.

I know I am slipping

I usually blog way more than this. I am still getting use to blogger. I have been connecting with a few of my Navy pals from the past on Facebook. It is so good to laugh with them about the good old days. Damn I was fine back in the day! I am working on that..a little bit. Anyways, some people that have sent me a friend request I don't even know who they are! Claiming they were good friends with so and so. And? What does that have to do with me?? I know that they just want to be nosey. Well that is their right, they can just do it somewhere else. I saw one picture of this ho white girl who referred to me as "that black girl" ain't that something. White women get just as mad when they see their men checking for the brown sugar trust. They are just not as vocal about it.

I have been having this spasm in my right eye. I think it is from looking at a computer screen too much. I need to back away off of this bitch. All in all I would just say that I am happy right now and I am acknowledging it. Too many times I pop up when shit is negative but at this minute I am fine, happy, content oh and bloated. Got damn period! See.

Out of It

I feel out of it! My father-in-law and his new wife have been here since the 15th of May. I am over it. I am not use to entertaining people for this long. Every day there has to be something to do and I am not use to living my life that way. We went to New Orleans for about 4 days it was nice. I haven't been in years so it was different to come to the city as a married woman and not a 20 year old girl. I wish I had that 20 year old body. I am so fat. It has been hard to admit it but I am. I just try to ignore it but when I see pictures of my chunky face and big arms. Its all there. Since the relatives have been here we have literally drink every day. This was the first day where I have not had one taste of alcohol. This is not normal for me!

I am ready to go back to my routine. They are nice well the father-in law is. His wife is another matter. She is nice and means well. She has issues with Muslims she made some comments that was like whaaaaaaat?? I can tell she loves her husband. But she is a party pooper, a negative nancy. She doesn't like anything we pick to eat. She makes comments when we are drinking having a good time. She is just difficult we don't even ask her input anymore. If she doesn't like what we pick to eat. Than just starve bitch, its too much. All this time with the husband has also been an adjustment. I am a shitty wife. I know it. My husband likes a lot of affection and romance and I am just not feeling it. At all. It seems as though as soon as I got married I changed. I picked up weight the affection came to a slow down. It is what we argue about most. I don't know what happened. If I was horny like everyday my marriage would be a piece of cake. Maybe marriage is not for me. Maybe I have been a lone wolf so long being a couple throws me the fuck off. ARGH. If he cheats or wants to leave the relationship. I won't even be surprised. That's sad to say. But it is truthful. I am crazy. I know it.

I took alot of pictures of my trip I will try and post them later. We went to a plantation in Louisiana I learned a bit about creoles. Since I am a history nutt that was right up my alley. What was strange was slaves were like a passing thought. We could not be in the main house unattended but the slave house is where the tour ended and we had full range of that shack. It was strange.

Oh BTW-I got my Spring grades I got all A's. Still a 4.0 student...that doesn't proofread her blogs! Trifling.

Tomorrow I take my last final

Yes! I don't think that I will have all A's this semester. I know that I have not applied myself as much. Maybe with working and going to school I was on a tighter shift and had to hold it together. But we will see. I never thought I would have all A's on previous semesters. As I have said my father-in-law and new wife will be in Saturday. I think I have been too busy to be nervous. I have never met him before! I have felt like being alone lately. I need silent time, I don't think my husband gets that. I aggravate him and alienate him I believe. I don't mean to...

I just read Push by Sapphire. I loved it! Its like a ghetto Color Purple with a foul mouth 16 yo. Very good. I plan on blogging about it more. Well I think I better sign off. I am on the laptop in the bedroom and I know my husband will be wanting to come to bed. He does not know about this blog...shit alot of people don't.

Lois Lane Got Her Black on

Someone had posted this on twitter and I liked to died when I read it. C-O-M-E-D-Y. Baby Girl Lois Lane got her black on to find out what it is like to be "black like me" it is so entertaining.

"No one will speak to me"

"That mother wheeled her baby from me as if I were the plague"

"...but never forget she is WHITEY"

"She lives in MISERY and asks if she can help me."

Lord the lines is just non stop. When Lois gets her African swag on its.. its just priceless.

http://cacb.wordpress.com/2008/11/21/lois-lane-i-am-curious-black/

I Love This Artist

I ran across Jenn Porreca's artwork on myspace.com and instantly fell in love with it. I would love to own a painting (not a print) of her work. I love her use of colors and her design aesthetic. Such a different take on Asian imagery. I thought I would share with you a couple of my favorite pieces. An artist that is able pursue their passions are always inspiring to me, because it is hard. Very few are able to support themselves and do it full time. You have to be brave and confident in your abilities which is easier said than done. I hope that you enjoy her artwork and support artists!

Here is her website:
http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=93471033514206199

Hectic Time for Me

Finals are coming up. I have my father-in-law and his new wife coming to visit shortly. We have not made any preparations! I know I am going to be running around like a chicken with its head cut off. My husband is not worried about a thing.I know he is like umm they can sleep on the floor or something. But I just can't! I have a lot of ideas on subject matters I want to blog about. I just have no time at the moment. I want to recommend a couple of movies and short stories to read. Things are good. I am really trying to work on writing when things are good and not just overly depressing. I don't believe that I will have all A's this semester but hey who knows I might can pull it off.

Man Tylenol PM is kicking my ass right now!

Walking on Sunshine

LOL

Today is not a good day

I feel incredibly tender. I am raw and I feel at any moment that I could break into sobs. When people want to know why you hurt the only answer I can give is, its everything yet nothing at all. I can't bear to look at myself in the mirror lately. Everything looks ugly, everything smells of desperation. Disgusted. I hate feeling this way. I know it will pass but when you feel this way its almost unbearable. The isolation, there is nothing anyone else can do for you. Its up to you to get right. I not only feel my own pain but I also feel the pain of others. I can intellectualize everything that is wrong with me that I can improve upon and yet I do nothing significant about it. Its weakness and I can't stand it. I can't stand weak people, I have no patience. Yet every once in a while I become what I can't stand the most and its exhausting. Am I punishing myself?

I feel guilty for feeling this way.I wish I could just go somewhere for a while and lick my wounds and have the world pause for me while I get myself together but that's not how life works. You have to keep going. People don't stop for you. As painful as it is, I keep at at. I comb my hair, I put my make up on, I smile at the appropriate times. I make people laugh and I keep going even when everything in me screams just lay down it ain't working.

Difficult

Something in me won't submit. I fight it at every chance. My independence is a wall that even I can't climb over. So I just do the easiest...resist. I'm such a bitch.

OK this cracked me the hell up!!

This literally had me in tears. I needed this lady when I was looking for someone to prank my ex-boss (The Devil That Wear Baby Phat).

P.S.

I am like real gasey right now. lol Just thought I let you know. lol Enjoy the video.

I don't know how I feel about this

I'm conflicted. Help!

Its sad but true

She forgot be light-skin folks, check for you when they don't know your race.
Fucking for tracks, its much easier than writing your own tracks.
Jack your swagger from gay men and euro pop artists. Fat straights won't notice.
Autotune is a must!

Boyfriend Of Youth

I find myself looking at men in a different light. I study them now. I look for the characteristics that would have enthralled me in my youth. The things that attracted me back then, doesn't do it for me now but, I am still intrigued by them. I was very stuck on looks but I like to pretend I never was. As I have gotten older, how I am treated is way more important to me than how a man looks. I ran into a guy I considered my first adult relationship. He looks the same so much so, that I see now the traits in him that now I would think of as corny, yet I am curious about him.What was it about him that had me so open? I still can't put my finger on it yet I still recognize that I indeed did feel that way about him. My heart was completely open back then, nothing to darken it. It was one of those relationships that to me is special because, we never had sex yet what happened in that relationship changed me profoundly. My rose colored glasses were smashed. I changed. My ego was checked. Before him I never really cared about other guys in the same way I did about him, and before that I had never been rejected. His rejection hurt and mattered. I had that "what is wrong with me" moment. I think every woman has this at some point; the why can't I keep a man bag. Its when you think you are the perfect girlfriend and then someone lets you know umm no ma'am you not. I was delivered from my girlish ideals to womanhood. I wanted to know why. He had no answers. Now I realize, why really isn't that important. An affair of youth. So to run into him again has me curious not in a I am interested in him way but in an observant way. We were so young back then. I wonder...

My ghetto quilty pleasure

And the hot remix



I actually put this on my ipod

Geez Louise

I am glad I didn't get ghetto and blow up the spot. Age teaches you to slow your roll. Things may not be be as they seem. We love each other.

3.19.09

I am aggravated at my husband. We are in a weird place in our relationship. There is this weird undercurrent of hostility. You know when you are fighting but there really isn't an argument. It makes me want to be aggressive and bring forth to the surface what is simmering there.

Its no longer a fairytale. Its the real right now. I am hurt. I don't want us to drift apart. He looks to me for guidance and I don't have the words to guide him.

I don't know what to do. I am angry now and I must be careful

Old Time Sake

From reading my journal from middle school, I find I was bitchy, self-involved, funny, way to obsessed with Prince and incoherent. My handwriting was so hard to read all tight and loopy. This thing needs to burn. Good lord. Reading some of the entries make me want to vomit. LOL The infantile me is loud and clear. I roll my eyes at this little girl yet I am still interested in what she has to say. I am her and she is me. Maybe this is why when I start to have kids the thought of having a girl scares me.

Here are some of the entries that made me laugh:

1-24
"Today in computer this boy who I think is cute named ***** talked to me, which I thought was nice. He asked me could he sit in my seat. I said NO and he keep trying to put a sweet face on me."


2-14
"I wish I had a boyfriend. A CUTE ONE!!!! PS I saw a fight"


2-23
" But YOU SHOULD have seen ***** if you did your eyes would have fell out he had on a black turtle neck with some Guess on. He looked good Oh I wish I could go with him."

4-6
" I can't stand ****** she keep talking shit she is going to make me go off on her ass"

4-15
"Prince is so fine I would love to marry him and do almost everything to please him" (I think I threw up in my mouth as I typed that)

4-27
" I got my letter back from Prince that I sent it said return to sender."

5-3
"***** told me that J.D said I started my period in C.C.D. I wasn't mad but if one more person ask me that I'm gonna go off on J.D cause he don't know what the fuck he is talking about."

5-16
" I made my confirmation it was O.K. The Bishop said my saint name was his mama's name"

6-1
" I could have kissed ******"

6-2
"My mama is getting on my fucking nerves shit. She is busting in here when I am changing without knocking and I told her she need to knock. Then she go say well change in the bath. I said it's my room I should be able to change if I want in my own room. She just gets on my nerves."

6-2
"Mama could have went out but as usual she fucked up my night."

6-19
"I got to watch 9 1/2 weeks ohh that movie is good."

Oh dear that is about all I can stomach of myself. I was a straight up fast, think she smart bitch. LOL

A Journal Entry From My Youth

Today I was looking through my diary from middle school and some of the passages I read made me want to gag. LOL. I may post some of them later, but this particular passage made tears well up in my eyes because I remember that day. The shaky handwriting that I used expressed a sad day that at the time I didn’t have the words to express what I was feeling, the ink was a cheerful teal blue.

OCTOBER 6

“I hate that damn Edward. Could take a gun and shoot him. No one is the world can have so much hate inside for someone. I mean I hate staying here. He’s out there cutting down a tree that I really like. I hate him. I hate him I wish a tree limb would”

That was all that I wrote but I remember that day. It was the first and last day a man ever laid his hands on me. I remember talking to my grandmother about how he was cutting the limbs off of a tree in our front yard. I was angry about it. I felt it was not his house to make such a decision. My mom was at work and Edward was her boyfriend who lived with us. He decided to cut off the limbs on a perfectly good tree at a house we were renting. It looked horrible. I remember thinking he was such a sorry ass man and how could my mother waste her time on him. Anyway he heard me talking shit about him cutting down the tree with my grandmother on the phone and we got in an argument. And it ended with him grabbing me by my neck and throwing me in my room. I remember thinking at the time that it must have looked like that scene in Purple Rain when his daddy slapped him into the next room. Remember that. It was comical yet disturbing at the same time.

Anyway, I remembered the fear I felt. I knew I couldn’t win. Even if my anger towards him was equal towards him as his was towards me. I would lose. I know we were yelling at each other what I said I don’t remember. I remember later looking in the mirror and the cross necklace I had around my neck had left scratches on my neck from the tussle. I could have had his ass. I had power, I knew what I could do if I just opened my mouth. I knew if I told my mom what he did she would leave him but I never told her what happened. Even to this day she doesn’t know for sure what happened that day. I didn’t want to worry her. I loved my mother I hated to see her hurt or break her heart. This I felt would break her heart. My mother was stressed our household was full of fighting and unhappiness. Our life was not good with Edward. But perhaps I didn’t tell her for fear she wouldn’t leave him and then I would have to hate her and resent her more than I already did for staying with this man. When she came home she knew something had happened and she asked me how I got the scratches on my neck. I said nothing.

My mother’s relationship with this man finally did end of course it took longer than I would have liked. I never understood and still don’t understand the hold he had on my mother. My mother was and still is a beautiful, intelligent and strong woman. I adore her. I recognize the sacrifices she made. Its not easy raising a child alone. I recognize now the complexities of relationships. I harbor no ill will. Outside people may have their opinions about the choices she made or my choice to not speak, but that really doesn’t matter. I am more than just this occurrence. She is more than that particular relationship she was in. And I am OK. My mother is OK. My mother raised me to be a thoughtful, independent and self-reliant woman. I learned how I wanted to be loved, what I expected from a man. I learned to never be weak. I grew from this incident. And sadly in life you sometimes have to learn the hard way, life isn't fair. It would be great if we were all infallible right? When I come back I will do the best of the "ohh the boy I like felt on my booty entries." lol

A new place to lay my head

I decided that needed a new place to lay my head. Perhaps moving my blog from myspace to here will provide new inspiration for me. I have been journaling since middle school and in recent years I have taken some personal thoughts and made them public. To be honest I rarely get much feedback from the random thoughts I do happen to publish and yet I still feel the need to continue to do so publicly.Am a ho with goods no one wants to buy? lol As I read this it sounds as if I am a very serious person and I am not. I wish I was. Maybe I just have all this pressure to start this shit out hot and I got nothing. Perhaps this is the perfect example of when you have nothing to say you should just shut your mouth. Maybe someone will irritate me before the day is over and give me some inspiration. I remember one guy I use to work with said, "You get pissed off when the wind blows." He may have been on to something.