Picture of the day

I made him mad.

Real Talk

I have like no sex drive at all. And its not my husband because the thought of sleeping with another man makes my vagina gag. Isn't this shit suppose to happen when you 60? Ugh.

I wish I was a freak

Sigh

He is not happy. He is not happy. He is not happy

Wide Awake

And watching pirated episodes of Mad Men on the playstation. This shit is raggedy. I wish I was horny all the time then I could be busy jumping on my husband's magic stick rather than fucking around online. My cypher is broken. I don't feel right. And I have no idea about how to make it better. Me and my husband well mainly me and my friend have been discussing owning our own lounge. I really think we could do it. My husband is not a take charge type of man so I know that I will be have to do the delegating of tasks for shit to get done. We have a lot of ideas but ideas don't get shit done, action does.

The SBA website has a lot of good information to shift through. The shit is so dry though. I want to try and get a part time gig at a lounge so I can know the business better. I believe the 28-40 yo old night life market is virtually ignored for adults. Grown people like to go out too we just don't because we don't want to kick it with a bunch of 18 year olds listening to shitty music. Alot of spots here are all over the place with promotions..black night, latin night, gay night etc etc to me its all exclusive like if you are not black but like hip/hip urban music its not the place for you. It isn't nothing but passive aggressive segregation. But we will see how it works out. I do tend to bounce from one career idea to another. Maybe this would stick if the people around me keep encouraging me and supporting me.

Boyfriend Of Youth

I find myself looking at men in a different light. I study them now. I look for the characteristics that would have enthralled me in my youth. The things that attracted me back then, doesn't do it for me now but, I am still intrigued by them. I was very stuck on looks but I like to pretend I never was. As I have gotten older, how I am treated is way more important to me than how a man looks. I ran into a guy I considered my first adult relationship. He looks the same so much so, that I see now the traits in him that now I would think of as corny, yet I am curious about him.What was it about him that had me so open? I still can't put my finger on it yet I still recognize that I indeed did feel that way about him. My heart was completely open back then, nothing to darken it. It was one of those relationships that to me is special because, we never had sex yet what happened in that relationship changed me profoundly. My rose colored glasses were smashed. I changed. My ego was checked. Before him I never really cared about other guys in the same way I did about him, and before that I had never been rejected. His rejection hurt and mattered. I had that "what is wrong with me" moment. I think every woman has this at some point; the why can't I keep a man bag. Its when you think you are the perfect girlfriend and then someone lets you know umm no ma'am you not. I was delivered from my girlish ideals to womanhood. I wanted to know why. He had no answers. Now I realize, why really isn't that important. An affair of youth. So to run into him again has me curious not in a I am interested in him way but in an observant way. We were so young back then. I wonder...

3.19.09

I am aggravated at my husband. We are in a weird place in our relationship. There is this weird undercurrent of hostility. You know when you are fighting but there really isn't an argument. It makes me want to be aggressive and bring forth to the surface what is simmering there.

Its no longer a fairytale. Its the real right now. I am hurt. I don't want us to drift apart. He looks to me for guidance and I don't have the words to guide him.

I don't know what to do. I am angry now and I must be careful